The most powerful concept in persuasion is framing. When we look at the overall, big picture we can see most everything we do and say as a frame. When I suggest examples based on religion and politics, I’m not (NOT!!) endorsing one side or another. I’m simply showing where our blind spots exist, where we have holes in our arguments. if you have a belief that you fervently or fanatically believe in, you might just be blind to the other side of the issue.

When we talk about the pro-life/pro-choice debate, the other side, no matter which side you’re on, is absolutely wrong. No ifs, ands, or buts. The other side is NEVER going to accept your point of view. It’s just not an option. There are some that are so certain that this is not a “choice” but murder. Others believe it’s not a frame at all, but an elimination of a woman’s choice to have freedom over her body. There is no in between, no gray area for either side.

I have absolutely no interest in changing your deeply held beliefs, but my goal is to simply point out that all of these beliefs, ultimately, are different frames.

The ability to reframe is to tell our truth, life the way we see it. It requires us to repeat things deeply carving neuro pathways that show us what to think in any given situation, with any given group or idea, in any setting.

Without naming names, think of the major coffee chain, the one that’s taking over the world. They’re responsible for putting little mom and pop cafes out of business. They charge A LOT. They may even be slightly overrated. AND yet, they are fair to their employees even providing part time workers with health insurance. They buy their product from sustainable coffee growers in ‘third world’ (another frame) countries. They also have a delicious organic iced decaf mocha.

It’s possible all of these statements are true at once. Maybe it doesn’t matter a lick to you either way. But they are beliefs and as a result, they are frames.

You can do this with everything. Try health care providers, for example. They are ‘miracle workers’, they’re caring, nurturing, overpaid, shills for big pharmaceutical and insurance companies.

Your beliefs may include none of these descriptions. At the very least, you can see that each statement is a frame. We’ve all had good and bad experiences with health care providers and these experiences necessarily color the way you view the profession. If your first memory was of being ill and having to be hospitalized, then that would have an enormous imprint on a fear of hospitals. At the same time, the procedure may have saved your life. This might not help adjust your frame because the negative experience of illness and pain, would be overshadowed by the positive experience of being alive. Only through multiple positive experiences would that change the neuro pathways that make you fear health care providers/hospitals.

It is my hope that in repeating the importance of frames, some of you may begin to view the whole world as a series of frames.

People who have self-confidence believe in themselves and feel that they are capable of achieving what they want in life, or dealing with any situation that they may have to face. They have an aura of self-confidence and self-assurance, which is apparent to others. People like to spend time with them; they feel comfortable and secure in their presence.

In contrast, there are many people who are reasonably talented, but who lack self-confidence. These people are victims of the several myths that surround self-confidence.

1. One of the foremost myths about self-confidence is that people are born with self-confidence. It is a quality that cannot be acquired. Nothing can be farther from truth. Self-confidence, like other skills, can be built. All that you need is right guidance and a belief in yourself.

2. There are others who blame their low self-confidence to their lack of good looks and poor upbringing. They don’t realize that self-confidence has nothing to do with their looks. It is a reflection of one’s confidence. The only way they can overcome this myth is by learning to believe in themselves. In fact, talent and self-confidence are not inter-related.

There are scores of talented actors and actresses who do very well in their professions but whose personal lives are torn by lack of self-confidence. It may sound contradictory, but this is how life is.

Talent can be an important component of self-confidence, but it is certainly not a substitute for self-confidence. So, don’t worry about lack of talent. Harness the skills that you possess.

3. Another myth is that self-confidence is directly proportional to the recognition and praise that an individual gets in his or her life; the ones who are not so lucky wallow in self-pity. Once again, there is little doubt that recognition and praise make you feel good about yourself, and boost your self-confidence.

But you can’t simply depend on the praise lavished by others. You have to work hard to earn that praise, and you can do this only if you are self-confident. The same applies to those who are not successful. They, too, can earn praise if they work hard and win people’s respect.

Such people should look at children. Children believe in themselves, and this gives them the self-confidence to try to do things they have never done before, be it learning how to cycle or how to swim.

In fact, no child comes into the world knowing all the skills. But it does not take long to teach children most of the basic skills. Then, why should it be difficult for adults to learn new skills or brave new challenges?

4. Another myth is that only self-confident people can afford to take risks. This again is not true. In fact, self-confident people are more realistic about their capabilities. They know what they can do, and what they can’t do. More importantly, they know how to deal with failures.

In contrast, people who lack self-confidence are afraid of failure. This fear prevents them from taking on new tasks. They constantly pine for the approval of others, and when they don’t get it they end up losing their self-confidence.

What is apparent is the lack of understanding. People must realize that self-confidence is a state of mind. It is not dependent upon a person’s beauty or looks. It flows from a person’s self-belief, and this belief can be built.

All that a person needs to do is to debunk myths that self- confidence cannot be acquired or that self-confidence is a byproduct of exceptional knowledge, skills and luck. Once they do so, they will find it easier to acquire the same magnetic powers that self-confident people have.

Central to understanding persuasion is the concept of neutrality. The laws of persuasion are neither good nor evil. They simply exist. Just as nuclear power can be used to create electricity or an atomic bomb, persuasion can be used to create unity or to force compliance. Whether the outcome is good or bad depends on the person using the laws and how that person applies the techniques of persuasion.

Some people desire to win at any cost, using any available tactics including misusing the laws of persuasion. These individuals are willing to use guilt, violence, intimidation, temptation, bribery, and blackmail to get the desired result.

However, when used properly, persuasion is our best friend. Through persuasion we create peace agreements, promote fund-raising efforts, and convince motorists to buckle up. Persuasion is the means by which the coach of an underdog team inspires players to win. It is also the method employed by the Surgeon General to convince people to have regular mammograms and prostate examinations, by managers to increase employee performance and morale, and by hostage negotiators to convince criminals to free their captives.

Misuse of the laws will only come back to haunt you in the long run. You might get short-term instant results, but your long-term future will be bleak. The tools outlined in this book are powerful and are not to be used selfishly. They should not be considered a means of gaining a desired result at any cost. Rather, you should use these tools to get your desired outcome only when it is a win-win situation for all involved.

The fable of the sun and the wind provides an excellent example of properly implemented persuasion. The sun and the wind were always arguing about which of them was the strongest. The wind believed he was stronger because of his destructive power in tornados and hurricanes. He wanted the sun to admit he was stronger, but the sun held fast to his own opinion and could not be convinced. One day the sun decided he wanted the matter settled once and for all, so he invited the wind to compete with him in a contest. The sun chose the contest carefully. He pointed out an old man taking a walk, and challenged the wind to use his power to blow the man’s jacket off. The wind felt this would be an easy contest to win and began to blow. To his surprise, each gust of wind only made the man cling more tightly to his jacket. The wind blew harder, and the man held on tighter. The harder the wind blew, the more the man resisted. The powerful blows of wind even knocked the man down, but he would not let go of his jacket. Finally, the wind gave up and challenged the sun to succeed in getting the man to take off his jacket. The sun smiled and shone radiantly upon the man. The man felt the warmth of the sun, and sweat began to appear on his forehead. The sun continued pouring out warmth and sunshine upon the man and, at last, the man took off his jacket. The sun had won the contest. If your attempt to persuade is a win-win, others will be eager to do what you want them to do.