Dear Jane,

How can I let go of resentment towards my mother for being thin and lose weight myself?

I wanted to answer this question because, even if weight is not everyone’s issue, resentment and jealousy torture most of us at one time or another.

Jealousy is an indicator that we believe someone else has something that we cannot attain. We may experience jealousy about someone’s looks, their financial status, their popularity/success, or their personal life. But it all comes down to the belief that we can’t have what they have.

Why would we believe this unless we didn’t think we were equally deserving? So jealousy helps us recognize that we are feeling unworthy in some way. And unworthiness is the bottom line issue for almost all of us. The good news is that it’s curable.

To heal it, we have to change the question from, “How do I get what so-and-so has?” to “How do I get that I am worthy?” What I talk about in my book, Enough Is Enough!, is that we won’t necessarily wake up one morning with a belief in our own worthiness. Like any other belief, it takes repetition and practice to “get it.”

So how do you let go of resentment towards your mother for being thin and lose weight yourself? How do you get that you are worthy of having the body you desire?

Before eating or before opportunities to exercise, you ask what I believe is the most healing question you can pose:

“If I knew my worthiness in this moment, what would I do?”

Whether we want to lose weight or experience more love, success, or happiness, I recommend asking yourself this question at least ten times a day every day. You will find that as your sense of self-worth grows, you will suffer less from jealousy and resentment.

Jealousy is a major depressing feeling. It has several definitions but regardless of disparity in its definitions, a common theme may be noted – that jealousy is a significant idea. Jealousy is often misconstrued as similar to envy but distinctions were made identifying jealousy to be a desire to keep what someone has while envy is that desire to obtain what someone does not have.

Jealousy may be constructive or destructive. Some psychologists believe that jealousy is necessary as love in a relationship. It is a natural unavoidable response which normally represents longing for things one may have lost. It can be an adapted response to the society or an intrinsic and unconscious behavior for genetic survival.

However, there is also what is known as dysfunctional jealousy which is considered the dark side of this emotion. This misplaced jealousy is what ruins good relationships. A significant percentage of murders are committed by some jealous lover. Most couples undergoing psychotherapy have jealousy problem.

One common cause of this jealous behavior is insecurity. It could arise from a feeling of uncertainty in a relationship, be it a love, working, or any other relationship. And this usually occurs when there is an existing competition in a liaison with somebody.

Oftentimes, jealousy is also caused by women’s tendency to be protective of their man. Their fear of losing their man because of dissatisfaction in their current relationships also drives them to be jealous. Men, on the other hand, portray this jealous behavior if they feel intimidated by other men. This is because of their concern to protect their egos.

But jealousy could be managed so as not to destroy relationships. Most of the time, mental stress brought about by negative emotions is what causes jealousy. Pessimistic outlook in life can be a hindrance to one’s happiness by causing emotional imbalance which ends up in health problems.

Since one’s mental state causes this jealousy, then the best way to get rid of this jealous behavior is counseling. One only has to listen to what professionals (like psychologists) say about this feeling. Hypnotherapy could be an effective solution to this jealousy problem. Through these techniques, one is guided towards proper rerouting of love demonstration. One has to learn to let go and trust a partner to avoid that tendency to control a loved one’s life. Jealousy can be controlled by discarding all negative thoughts and emotions.

In a relationship, jealousy has always been considered to be unhealthy if it leads to non-stop fights and arguments.

In fact, jealousy is the top reason why many marriages end up in divorces. A jealous partner is annoying, embarrassing and greatly frustrating. Jealousy can be caused by insecurities in a relationship, further provoked by hidden communication lines and mysteries.

If you are in a relationship, in which jealousy is an issue, then you should know that there are effective ways to control it.

The first step in controlling jealous is by communicating with your partner how you feel. You must make your partner see and understand that there are no reasons to be jealous.

It is important that your partner will not perceive any hidden communication lines. You can show your partner letters from old friends or phone calls you received that day. The key is making your partner realize that you disclose everything. Although it sounds pretty tiring, sooner or later your partner will feel trusting.

On the other hand, if you are the jealous partner, you should also open communication lines with your partner and discuss why you have been feeling that way. In most cases, your partner does not realize that he is doing something that makes you feel jealous. Again, the key is communication. You should try to talk to your partner how you felt and why you felt it. Admitting jealousy calmly would even be better than denying it but getting worked up over nothing.

In situations where you or your partner feels extremely jealous, it would be best to calm down first before tackling an issue. Sometimes being jealous and angry at the same time make the situation worse. Analyze the situation carefully, keeping in mind your partner’s normal behavior. Jealousy is often triggered by changes in your partner’s attitude and mood, fueled by suspicion. If you try avoiding suspicion and instead focus on facts, you would soon discover other reasons such as work stress, health problems and others, all not related to you or your relationship.

If given free reign, jealousy will destroy whatever bond you have with your partner. This is the reason why it is very important that you and your partner work it out early in the relationship. If ignored, it can cause you more problems and heartaches in the future. You and your partner should act now, or lose each other completely in the process.