Recently, a client came to me and told me, “I feel really discouraged. None of my wishes ever come true. No matter what I try, nothing ever comes of them. They’re just wishes and hopes that never come true. Help!” He told me he’s tired of the “Same Old-Same Old”, but doesn’t know how to turn his wishes into reality. That is the subject for this column. Here’s my advice to him:

See your desires as goals, not wishes. Wishes imply that you need the Good Fairy to waive his magic wand and make it happen. No offense, but you can’t always count on Good Fairies to come along when you need them. By seeing your desires as goals, you reframe them into something that you have more control over. They don’t seem so distant this way. Let’s look at how you can achieve these goals.

Change comes gradually.
Break your goals down into easy-to-do steps. For example, “save up money to buy a condo”; what are the steps you’d need to take in order to begin to make this a reality? If you don’t break down your goals into steps you can actually do, the goals will always elude you. No one can take on a huge goal like buying a condo without planning. Your first step may be to make a budget, another could be to look at condo prices in the neighborhoods you want to live in. If you have a habit of being bad with money, then you may need to look at that and do some work with that before you begin saving money. Many people subconsciously don’t think they deserve to have a nice home, beautiful car, big bank account, etc. On some level, they may be punishing themselves for something in the past. I’m talking about getting clear on the obstacles in the way of reaching your goal(s).

Identify the obstacles in your way
When I work with clients on goals, it is crucial to look at the obstacles in the way. For example, what has stopped you in the past from saving money, or volunteering, or eating better? Take each goal and ask yourself, “In the past, what has stopped me from achieving this?” and write it down. In therapy, I help my clients to chip away at the obstacles, bit by bit. You can do the same thing on your own, but it goes much faster if you get support from a therapist, friend, parent, counselor…someone who will be there for you to check in and see how you’re doing and to encourage you when it gets tough.

Build in a reward system for yourself
And it WILL get tough. You’ve listed some pretty major goals. It’s skillful to expect that your interest in achieving your goals will ebb and flow over time: so how will you stay motivated when you feel discouraged? This is another obstacle to get clear about. I suggest you create a system of rewards as you progress toward your goal(s). For example, after you make a budget, celebrate! Do something enjoyable for yourself (it can be free or inexpensive). This is simple behavior modification, and it works. Reward yourself each step of the way and you’ll find your progress towards your goals is both more pleasurable and sustainable.

Prioritize
It’s doubtful that you can work on all your goals at once. Prioritize them. I encourage my clients to take their goals and rate them (#1 is the most important, #2 is next, etc.). Start with the goals that are most important to you; you’ll automatically be more motivated to work toward these. Put the less important ones aside for now, it’s usually best to focus on no more than 3 goals at a time, otherwise you dissipate your energy and are likely to feel overwhelmed and give up on all of them.

It is Do-able
Try these ideas and replace your discouragement and helplessness with competence and optimism. Use these “tools” (or any other methods that work for you) and get support all along the way from people who love you and want you to be happy.

How to Make Yourself, and Others, Feel Good With your Tongue!

We are blessed with a marvelous and mighty device that can, in moments, stir the best feelings, or the worst, in ourselves and in those around us. That device is, of course, our tongue. I am referring specifically to our tongue’s capacity to produce sounds and words. In virtually any situation, any crowd of people, or any solitary moment, you are able to make massive changes in how you and anyone within earshot experience that moment simply by properly using your tongue. A few well-chosen words can kindle a flame of warm passion, or violent rage. Equally, the right words can subdue that rage or dampen that passion.

Recall how, as a child, you had dreams of ‘growing up’ to be a fireman, an astronaut, or a doctor. You may or may not have reached those lofty goals, but you have grown to become an artist capable of painting, with a few words, emotional masterpieces or disasters. Perhaps you don’t think of your manners and methods of speaking in that way, but I’ll bet you can recall saying something that made a friend feel very good. You probably also have no problem remembering causing hurt with your words. We all have had the experience of talking ourselves up with our internal voice, bolstering courage and confidence. Unfortunately we can probably equally easily recall using that voice to, with a slightly different tone, berate and ‘beat ourselves up’.

In invite you to consider playing a game with your speech patterns. Pick a period of time, maybe 10 minutes, maybe 10 days, maybe the rest of your life, and during that period of time commit yourself to only using words that produce good feelings. Pretend that you are a word gun (you truly are), and resolutely insist on only shooting happy words at yourself and others for the duration of the game. Resist any urge to do damage with your words, regardless of how angry you might become, or how much you feel the listener deserves to suffer at the hands of your tongue. No matter how badly you screw something up, during the duration of the game, only use pleasant words on yourself. If you slip up, forgive yourself, and start over. Once you really start paying attention to how impactful on the feelings of yourself and others your words can be, you will gain a new appreciation for the power of your words.

As a clinical hypnotist, I am paid to make people feel better by using nothing but words. I assure you that you have the same capacity. With practice, words can be used to melt phobias, dissolve long-standing destructive habits, and most importantly, just make people feel good. Start a collection of words that make you feel good. Experiment, and see if they can make others feel good as well. Additionally, pay attention to the tone and energy of the words, and how they make you feel. Notice how words uttered from a smiling mouth almost always sound, and feel happier. Make it your goal to perfect the ability to create joy and wonder with a few simple linguistic movements of your tongue. Then go out in your world and target practice. Find yourself rampantly creating good feelings just by the words you use. See if you don’t agree with me that creating good feelings with words is one of the best uses of your tongue.

Every year I watch at the gym as it floods in January, then slows to a trickle by March. Why is it that we seem unable to make behavior change goals that last? Well, there are several reasons.

Failing to consider why you currently do (or do not) engage in certain behaviors.

As humans, we naturally do things that are rewarding and avoid doing things that are not. One of the biggest problems people have when they try to change their behavior is that they fail to look at all of the reasons why they are currently doing what they are doing. Ask yourself, what is the benefit to this behavior? Why am I not __________?

People often try to remove bad behaviors, but fail to replace them with similarly effective positive behaviors. People who try to quit smoking either cold-turkey or by sucking on hard candy often end up gaining 30 pounds and being miserable. The oral part of smoking is only part of the problem. Most people smoke to relax, so, unless you find another effective way to relax, you are going to have difficulty at success. Nicotine is a drug and, you may feel withdrawals that sugar or other activities are not going to fix. If you feel those cravings, talk with a physician to help you get over the physiological part. You can then more effectively deal with the stress-relief and habit parts of it.

Setting goals that are too big

We want immediate gratification. Most of the big selling products are geared at helping us achieve big goals faster. That being said, most people are not motivated by goals that you cannot reach for two or three weeks or, worse yet, months. “I want to reduce my cholesterol by 30 points” is not a realistic short-term goal. “I will do one thing each day to reduce my cholesterol” is much more reasonable. This is especially important at the beginning of a behavior change. Set real goals that are rewarded every day or at least every week. For example: “If I go to the gym for at least 1 hour, I can __________ tonight.” Focusing on weight loss can be too slow to be rewarding, instead focus on burning at least 500 calories at the gym each day. The end result is the same, but the rewards are much more frequent when you focus on the daily calories and you will stay more motivated.

Setting goals that are too hard

Most people are not going to go from being couch potatoes to exercising nearly every day. That is unrealistic. Set a small, achievable goal. Once you achieve that regularly, then up the ante. To get the reward, you have to do more. For example, “I will walk for 45 minutes a day 3 days a week” can be fine tuned to “I will walk 45 minutes a day at a 14 minute mile pace, 3 days a week.”

Setting too many goals

Focus! Rome was not built in a day. Change one or two things a little bit. Cut back by 5 cigarettes per day and start walking for 20 minutes 3 days a week.

Setting goals without sufficient rewards

Just feeling better is often not enough of a reason to keep people motivated to exercise, eat more healthfully or stop smoking. We want rewards that are as great as the effort we put out. If you are competitive, set goals with a buddy and compare notes. Let your friends know what you are doing. A public commitment to a goal makes it easier to keep, and people who know what you are doing will often give you those much needed kudos. If you are a private person, buy something or do something special as a reward.

Setting goals that are too vague

“I am going to exercise more” “I will eat better.” “I will have a more positive attitude.” None of these is specific enough to create any substantial or consistent behavior change. You want to be able to answer the question “How will I know when/if I have accomplished my goal?” Goals ideally need to have a frequency, intensity or duration (Preferably all three). Frequency is how often you will do the new behavior or will not do the old behavior. “I will eat at least 1 fruit each day” or “I will not drink more than 1 cup of caffeine per day.” Intensity is how strong you do the behavior “I will eat at least the minimum number of servings from each food group.” “I will not get more than 30% of my calories from fat.” Duration is how long you will do the behavior “I will walk for 45 minutes each day.” “I will not sit for more than 1 hour at a time.”

Setting the wrong goals

If you want to “feel better” look at why you feel bad in the first place. Are you sleep deprived, eating poorly, not exercising, depressed, physically ill or in chronic pain? Choose your goals accordingly. If you want to “improve your relationship” getting more physically fit might not be the answer, despite what many people think. Get with your partner to figure out what the problems are. Then set your goals, keeping in mind that the only person you can change is you.

In summary:

Anything you do to help yourself feel happier or healthier will lead to other positive changes.
Start with something small that you will do.

Do not eliminate any behavior until you have found a reasonable replacement

Ask yourself what the benefit is to your current behavior pattern. Make sure your resolution provides the same benefits in a healthier way.

Ask yourself what you hope to accomplish with this resolution. Make sure your resolution actually accomplishes that.

Ask yourself why you are not already doing it—what is holding you back. Address those issues first.

Ask yourself if you are willing to do what is necessary to change. Change is hard work. Really figure out if you are willing to work or are happier staying the same and just complaining and getting pity attention.

Make sure your rewards are rewarding and frequent

If you find it hard to make successful resolutions, find a professional who specializes in behavior modification. Usually one to three sessions is all it takes to help you be successful.