Anger, anxiety, guilt, regret and worry are all perfectly normal emotions. They are our mind’s way of telling us that something is wrong and we need to get off our keesters to fix it. As I have said many times before, we only have a limited amount of energy to stay healthy, age gracefully and live happily. It is up to you to choose how you spend that energy.

“Okay,” you say, “that is great and all, but HOW do I choose to not be miserable?” Well, the first thing is to look at your irrational thoughts. Life is 10% reality and 90% what we make of it. Unfortunately, many people grow up learning irrational ways of thinking and negative ways of viewing the world.

Characteristics of Irrational Thoughts

Irrational thoughts are inflexible or “must-abatory thinking” Things must be just so. There are very few things in life we must do. I am about as rigid and inflexible as they come, I have learned that flexibility makes life a whole lot easier.

1. Get a stack of index cards.
2. One each card, write down one thing you feel you “must” do. Low and behold, you will often find that there are not enough hours in an 8-day week to get it all done.
3. Prioritize the cards in order of what is the most important.
4. Flip the cards over and write modifications to make the “musts” more flexible. For example, one of my musts is exercising. Long ago I was very rigid about exercising between 9 and 11 every single morning and had a very strict routine of what I did. As I had children, got a job etc., I quickly stopped being able to adhere as rigidly to that “must.” Other “musts” like caring for my kids and not getting fired moved up on the priority list. Nevertheless, I am a much nicer person if I get out my aggression at the gym, so on the back of the card, I would write alternatives like, workout at home, mow the lawn (a push mower and 2/3 of an acre gets out a lot of aggression), get up at 5 and go on a run etc. All these alternatives still let me accomplish the “must” of exercising, but provided me some flexibility.

Irrational thoughts place unrealistic expectations on yourself or others and/or are non-self-accepting and/or fail to accept human fallibility. This one is harder, because most of us have difficulty identifying what “unrealistic” is. Further, what is unrealistic for you might not be unrealistic for me and vice versa. It is always helpful to ask someone else’s opinion of what is “realistic.” This goes for quantity and type of work as well as expectations for perfection. Life is much easier if you have realistic expectations of yourself and others and accept (and anticipate) that people make mistakes.

Irrational thoughts demonstrate over-concern with others’ opinion of yourself. If you find yourself getting all wrapped up in trying to get someone’s approval, ask yourself, “Why do I need his/her approval?” Many times it is helpful to differentiate between “like” and “respect.” Okay, ideally your boss and co-workers will like and respect you, but will it have a major impact on your life if they don’t? If they respect your work and know you do a good job, do you really care if they want to be your friend? People who need to be needed and must be liked often are exhausted trying to please everyone else and forget to take care of themselves.

Irrational thoughts also assume your authority or superiority over others. This reminds me of a joke, How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it has to want to change. . . HarHarHar…I have said it before and will say it again, you cannot change another person. If you get caught in the trap of thinking that someone will change for you, you will be disappointed. When people change for anyone else but themselves, the change is only short-lived. This type of thinking also leads to conflict with others who also see themselves as the center of the universe. Both of you cannot be the center of the universe and, chances are, neither one of you is right all the time. You may indeed be right. Some people may be stupid, nevertheless, sometimes we all have to be subordinate to people who are wrong or ignorant.

Irrational thoughts assume a clear-cut difference between right and wrong and that you have the ability to always accurately differentiate between the two. In reality, there are few clear cut answers. I tell my patients that they need to evaluate their decisions based on head-heart and gut honesty. If your head, heart and gut all are okay with the decision, it is probably a good one. What does that mean? Well, ask yourself, does this seem to make sense (intellectual/head honesty), can I live with this decision (heart honesty) and does it feel right or turn my stomach (gut honesty).

Irrational thoughts place you at the center of the universe. People get all upset when they make a mistake or say the wrong thing. Get over yourself! You are not going to be in control all of the time, and the things you do and say are not really that memorable. Even some of the biggest faux pas only get you ribbed for a few weeks. Then there is something new to grab people’s attention.

Irrational thoughts over-estimate your right to a trouble-free life and under-estimate your ability to cope with adversity. If you can view problems as challenges placed in your path to help you grow, it tends to take the edge off things. Many challenges are too great to cope with alone. The most effective people are able to realize when they need help or support from others.

In sum, we all have irrational thoughts. When you start to feel angry, anxious or guilt-ridden, review the list above to see which statements best describe the thought patterns that are making you unhappy. Ask yourself: “What am I getting upset about?” “What thoughts/beliefs/self-talk do I have that are supporting my misery?” “Are these thoughts/beliefs/self-statements rational, productive and helpful?” If they are not, replace them with more realistic thoughts/beliefs/self-statements. Finally, remember that dwelling in negative emotions is just going to make you sick. Anger, anxiety and guilt are meant to make you take action, so get going!

Has something stressful or upsetting happened to you recently? Maybe it was a fender bender car accident, or telling a friend she did something that hurt you, or being triggered by something your spouse said, or stepping on stage to make a presentation.

Even when you are following what lights you up and creating more of what you truly want in life, not every moment of every day will be filled with ease, joy, and pleasure. Each of us has moments, situations, and experiences that stress and upset us.

What can you do to help yourself during those times? How can you calm yourself until you gain more perspective to effectively deal with the situation?

Use your personal 911!

What Is a Personal 911?

911 is the phone number we call in the U.S. when we have an emergency and need help fast. We don’t have to figure out what kind of help is needed or which number to call; we already know if we have any kind of emergency, dial 911. The 911 dispatcher sends the police, fire department, or medical responders; the right help is quickly on its way. 911 is an easy and effective emergency system.

What about when you have a more personal “emergency?” You can’t call the community 911 system just because you’re stressed, jarred, upset, anxious, angry, or afraid and want some relief and help quickly. But you can call on your own personal 911.

Your personal 911 is a sentence, phrase or word you say to yourself during trying times, something designed to ease and calm you. Your 911 is simple and easy so you can use it anytime and anywhere.

You choose it in advance and use it as your first, immediate response when you are stressed and upset. No need to think about it; as soon as you realize you need personal emergency help, you just start saying it.

Your personal 911 will provide some quick relief, reducing your stress and calming you. Once you’re calmer, you can then take whatever additional actions are needed to help yourself and to deal with the situation.

Would One of These Work For You?

I just used a personal 911 myself. I was meeting a friend for breakfast and I had something to discuss that was difficult for me. Anticipating the conversation stirred me up; I was agitated and anxious, my mind was racing.

To calm myself, I used one of my personal 911s: “I choose peace.” I kept saying this to myself over and over and over again. I was able to shift some of my attention from the thoughts that were upsetting me to more soothing thoughts.

Did it make my problem disappear? No, but I was able to become much calmer than I had been. This felt better plus it allowed me to have a more effective conversation with my friend than I would have had if I’d been completely agitated.

Here are a few examples of personal 911s I and others have used:

* I choose peace.
* I choose love.
* I choose serenity.
* I choose joy.
* I choose love over fear.
* Everything is perfect.
* All is well.
* God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

While you’re saying the words, you could also do a grounding technique such as pressing your feet firmly on the floor, rubbing your palms together, or deep breathing. Many people also add a homeopathic aid such as Bach’s Rescue Remedy.

In Your Life

If you’d like to experiment with this the next time you’re stressed or upset, here are some suggestions.

1) Choose your 911 now.

You’ve probably heard people say “I can hardly think straight!” Science has now shown that, in fact, we can’t think clearly under certain conditions. When you are flooded with feelings and physiological stress responses you’ll have a very hard time figuring out how to help yourself.

Have your emergency response prepared so it’s ready when you need it. Then, in the midst of a stressful situation, you won’t have to figure out what to do — you just start saying your 911!

2) Choose something that will work for you.

There is not a universal personal 911 that will work best for everybody. Your most effective 911 will speak strongly to you: be powerful and meaningful enough for you that it will calm you, shift your attention, and switch your perspective. It may be one of the examples above or it may be something completely different.

3) Use it!

When you’re feeling stressed or upset, use your 911. Repeat it over and over, like a mantra. If you start with the little things, the stuff that’s mildly upsetting, you can build your ability to use this in tougher situations as well.

Your personal 911 is a simple tool to add to your life toolkit. You can quickly and easily call on it when you’re in situations that challenge you. Using your personal 911 will reduce your stress, calm you, and allow you to more effectively respond to the situation.

Enjoy!

Discussions on the possibilities of buying human pheromones have been a subject of many discussions in the past along with the issues of cloning and other forms of substitution of human body parts.

Although substitution of human parts such as in the case of buying a human heart for transplants have been accepted as ethical and can be permitted, the question as to whether or not it is ethical to buy human pheromones is still very controversial. Note that human pheromones have been closely associated with reproduction and attraction of the opposite sex so normally, people react strongly on the suggestion that it is alright to buy human pheromones.

Pheromones were first discovered in 1959 when a group of scientists studied the behaviors of insects. According to the study on pheromones, insects excrete this substance to communicate with their own species. Later on, it was found out that other types of animals including humans do have pheromones which are responsible for some forms of communications especially between mothers and their infants and in the attraction between sexes.

Note that according to studies in the areas of human pheromones, the mother and infant communicate with one other in such a way that they are able to convey certain types of messages without the use of words. Infants instinctively recognize their mothers by simply relying on the scents, textures and smells that the mother emits.

In the case of opposite sex attraction, human pheromones are said to facilitate the bonding of two people. According to some researchers, the human pheromones play an active role in giving out sexual messages. In fact, according to some, the pheromones can be so closely associated with reproduction in almost all species that it is but normal that human beings also emit this type of chemicals to attract their mate. Given this explanations on the human pheromones, a lot of people are turning to buying human pheromones to enhance their sexual desirability.

Although there are many people that are thrilled with the idea that they can buy human pheromones, there are also many who do not like even the mere thought of purchasing human pheromones to attract their mates. A lot of people believe that human relationships should come naturally and it is wrong for science to tamper with the natural flow of human relationships. It is their belief that it is wrong to buy human pheromones and that tampering with the natural flow of things could cause problems.