Some people seem to have been born with a great deal of self-confidence. This is not really the case, although a healthy self-esteem does stem from childhood. Young children who are influenced by caring parents and other adults who take the time to instill a sense of self worth will grow into confident adults.

Children who do not grow up in a positive atmosphere, will likely suffer the pain of low self-esteem in adulthood. They will feel badly about themselves and lack the confidence needed to realize their goals and dreams. The worst part of all is that low self-esteem is totally false. Every person is someone special, with unique talents and gifts that no one else can offer.

Convincing a person of low self-esteem that they are special is not easy, but it is essential in rebuilding his or her sense of self worth. How we view ourselves, and our accomplishments, will ultimately determine how we act and react in everyday situations. If we expect people to think of us in a negative way, it’s almost certain that they will. On the other hand, if we think people should value us, they most likely will. Treating ourselves with respect will encourage others to hold us in high esteem.

Building self-esteem is not always easy to do, but there are tools and programs available to help. Some people choose to acquire and use self-help books, videos, tapes and CDs. Others seek professional counseling. Improving self-esteem starts with changing the way you think about yourself. By reducing negative thoughts and increasing positive ones, you will naturally build your confidence and your sense of self worth.

It can take time and hard work to let go of negative childhood influences and rebuild self- esteem. With help and patience, anyone can improve their self-worth. The effort will be rewarded with a greater sense of value and the confidence to meet goals and strive for bigger and better things.

A social phobia is a fear of interacting with others on a social level. Examples would be talking in front of other people, waiting in line at the checkout imagining others are looking at you, or even fear of talking on the phone.

Self-confidence is a feeling that allows people to have positive, yet realistic views of themselves and their circumstances. Self-confident people have confidence in their own abilities, have a general sense of control over their lives, and believe that, within reason, they will be able to do what they want and need to do.

Confidence is a perspective that is accomplished through experiences. When a person experiences success, that person will tend to expect to be successful. And that very expectation will cause a feeling of self-confidence.

For example: A man wants to be a professional boxer, so he gets a manager and takes lessons. His manager will not put him into a bout until he has developed enough proficient fighting skills. And even then, the manager will only put him up against a competitor that he knows his fighter can overpower. When his fighter beats the opponent, he is successful, and starts to gain confidence in his capability.

With each match, the manager puts his prizefighter up against a contender who is a slightly better challenger then the last, but not good enough to beat his man. By the end of the third fight, the young contestant begins to expect to win his fourth, and so his confidence continues to bloom. This series of events continues to repeat itself. And as long as the fighter contestant is victorious, his expectations of success, and his feelings of self-confidence will continue to escalate.

As another example: A young lady who is scared to death of being in high places wants to learn to dive into a swimming pool from a very high diving board. So she finds a diving coach who asks her to take a jump into the pool from the first rung of the ladder going up to the high diving board. The first step of the ladder is not awfully high, so the young lady feels confident, and she dives from that rung, and lands in the water unharmed.

Next, the athletic coach has her take a jump from the second rung of the ladder, and so forth. I assume that you see what’s going on here. With each new step she takes as she climbs higher up the ladder, since the girl was able to jump without fear or harm, and the next higher step is only slightly higher then the last, the fear factor is negligible, and the girl expects to be successful. When she dives in and is unhurt, the girl’s self-confidence increases, and her expectation of success on the next step up the ladder increases.

If a person who has a long history of success and feelings of confidence does fail, they still tend to expect success the next time out. Conversely, when a person who is weak in the self-confidence department fails, they tend to lose confidence, and expect failure, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Having true self-confidence doesn’t mean that individuals will be able to do everything. People, who have true self-confidence, usually have expectations that are practical. Even when some of their expectations are not met, they continue to be confident and to accept themselves.

People, who are not self-confident, tend to depend excessively on the approval of others in order to feel self-confidence. They usually don’t take risks because of the fear of failure. They make light of themselves and tend to discount compliments that they receive.

Conversely, confident people are willing to risk the disapproval of others because they generally have confidence in their own prowess. They acknowledge themselves; and they don’t feel they have to conform in order to be admired.

Just because one feels self-confidence in one or more parts of their life, doesn’t mean that they will feel overconfident in every single part of their life. For example, a person might feel optimistic about their athletic prowess, but not feel confident as far as members of the opposite sex are involved, such as in a dating situation, or social relationships.

HOW IS Self-confidence Initially developed?

Many powerful and effective truths have an impact on the development of self-confidence. Parents’ attitudes are critical to the way children think about themselves, especially in their early years. When parents provide admiration, children receive a solid foundation for self-esteem. If one or both parents are excessively demanding or critical, or if they are overprotective and discourage moves toward independence, children may be fated to believe they are incapable, inadequate, or inferior.

However, if parents encourage a child’s moves toward self-reliance, and they are not overly critical when the child makes mistakes, the child will learn to accept herself, and will be on the way to developing self-confidence.

A lack of confidence is not necessarily related to a lack of ability. A lack of self-confidence is often the result of centering much too strongly on the ridiculous expectancy of other people in particular friends and parents. The control of peers can be more powerful than that of parents in shaping the feelings about one’s self.

Assumptions That Continue to Affect Self-confidence

In response to external influences, people create beliefs. Some of these are helpful and some are not so helpful. Several assumptions that can interfere with self-confidence and positive ways of thinking are:

ASSUMPTION: I must always be successful at every challenge that I undertake. This assumption is a totally unrealistic assumption. In life each person has his strengths and his weaknesses. While it is important to learn to do the best that one can, it is more important to learn to accept yourself as being human, and deficient. Let yourself feel good about what you are good at, and accept the fact that you don’t know everything and you don’t need to.

ASSUMPTION: I must be perfect, and loved by everyone, and satisfy everyone. Again, this assumption is a totally unrealistic assumption. All human beings are less than perfect. It’s well advised to develop personal standards and values that are not very dependent on the approval of other people.

ASSUMPTION: Everything that happened to me in the past remains in control of my feelings and behaviors in the present.

ALTERNATIVE: While it is true that your confidence was especially vulnerable to external influences when you were a child as you gain maturity appreciation and point of view on what those influences have been. In doing so, you can choose which influences you will continue to allow to have an effect on your life. You don’t have to be helpless based on what happened in the past

HERE ARE SOME STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING CONFIDENCE

Emphasize Your Strengths. Grant yourself credit for everything that you can do. And bestow upon yourself credit for every new experience you are willing to try.

Take risks. Adopt the attitude of: I never fail, because there are NO failures. However, sometimes I find out what doesn’t work and once I’ve learned what doesn’t work in a given situation, I can test something else.

Use Self-Talk: Use self-talk as a tool to counter harmful assumptions. Then, tell yourself to stop. Substitute more reasonable assumptions. For example, when you catch yourself expecting yourself to be perfect, remind yourself that it is impossible to do everything perfectly, and that it’s only possible to do things to the best of your ability. This allows you to accept yourself as you are working towards improvement.

Make mental movies: Picture yourself in scenes that you currently have low levels of self-confidence in. But see yourself behaving in the way that a person who has tremendous confidence would. There are powerful Self-hypnosis and NLP processes that you can use to instill a sizable amount of self-confidence from within your subconscious mind. There are even NLP techniques that will let you take confidence that you do have in areas of your life, and then transplant that confidence to areas of your life that require more self-confidence!

Self-Evaluate: Learn to judge yourself independently. Refrain from the habitual sense of confusion that comes from relying on the opinions of others.

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By all rights, your life should be pretty much perfect. You have a wonderful family, good job, and almost everything you could want. The problem is that you lack confidence and respect in yourself. To you, it seems as if everything you touch is a disaster. It may be that you feel as if you are getting too old, or you have gained too much weight. Maybe you think you should be further in your career than you are. It might be that you feel like you aren’t a good mate or that you are an ineffective parent. Regardless of how things look to the outside world, you know that something is missing from your earthly experience and only correcting it will allow you to have the fulfilling harmonious life you crave.

You aren’t alone. Many people struggle with finding confidence and respect for themselves as well as getting it from others. When used correctly Feng Shui can help. Before you decide that this ancient philosophy is too new agey or isn’t valid consider what it is actually all about. The ideas and practice of Feng Shui make a great deal of sense when you learn more about them. The idea is to create an environment conducive to balancing and harmonizing every aspect of your life. By organizing your belongings, creating a clean environment, and carefully placing items and using colors, you can promote positive energy flow and improve all aspects of life. In truth, confidence and respect are elements of each and every part of your life. By improving the total picture, you can find confidence and inspire respect in others.

Start with your home. Object placement and color use in very important in Feng Shui. Confidence and respect are easier to obtain in a warm, clean environment. As long as consistent effort is being made, it really doesn’t matter if you start your new Feng Shui lifestyle inside the house or in the yard and driveway.

Beginning outside may help to promote respect from others more quickly though. Even those who nothing of Feng Shui or who don’t believe in its worth will be affected by a well maintained yard and welcoming plants. Any outside repairs that need to be made are worth the time. Not only will other people see the care you put into your home, but you will enjoy the sight of it and be proud of it too. Pride is a wonderful way to build up your own feelings of self worth. Once everything is in good working condition and clean, look to your landscaping. Of course the season of the year will have bearing on what type of vegetation you are able to use, but Feng Shui transcends the seasons and there are options you can use anytime. Wind chimes near the entrance to your home promote the flow of positive chi and draws helpful people to your home. Always make use of that particular Feng Shui object.

The entrance to a home is very important as well. It should be welcoming, but set up to trap any negative energy that may come from family or guests who come into your home. The use of mirrors can be very beneficial in setting up the type of environment you need to instill confidence and respect in yourself and others. When you Feng Shui your home, you aren’t only providing harmony and balance to your life, but also in the lives of anyone who lives with you.

Part of confidence comes from knowing your family is stable and happy. There is nothing more rewarding to the ego and a person’s well being than knowing they are positively influencing their family. With that in mind, take a look at your family or living room. Be sure to include an object or picture of every member of the family representing something they enjoy doing or an interest of theirs. This helps to promote unity and encourages the idea that while each one is individual, you all together are a family unit. Water is a wonderful element to employ as well. It represents growth and flowing energy. If a water fountain isn’t possible, try a picture of a waterfall or a small statue that depicts flowing water.

Depending on the level of change you need, Feng Shui is a relatively simple, straight forward philosophy to use in your home and life. With all aspects of your existence in harmony and alignment, the confidence and respect you desire will be easy to obtain. Focus on the money and fame areas of your home will promote greater respect at work, while concentrating on the bedroom and family room will encourage a deeper, more profound relationship with your partner and children. It all adds up to greater confidence and respect for yourself. Others will quickly follow suit.