Why this is important

We often become emotionally disturbed during a disagreement, or an argument, or when someone criticizes us or disagrees with us. In such cases our personality usually feels hurt, demeaned and in danger.

When we feel this way, we destroy our own happiness, clarity and health and often behave in ways which we later regret.

A simple technique for gaining clarity is to:

1. Remember that concerning criticism, there are two possibilities:

a. The other person might be correct in his or her observations and criticism. In this case we would benefit by admitting it and making the proper adjustment in our behavior. We have everything to gain by listening and evolving through others’ comments.

What prevents us is the belief that we are not lovable if we are not perfect. Thus, we do not want to see or admit our faults. When we realize that we are worthy of love and respect even when we are not perfect or right, then we will be able to look at our faults.

b. The other person might be wrong. In this case, it is his or her projection, and we need not be affected by these misconceptions or projections. We have in this case the lesson of loving ourselves and also the others even when they perceive us in distorted and negative ways.

2. One solution would be simply not to react one way or the other at first, but to reflect upon what has been said for some time so as to evaluate whether or not it is true.

We can establish a space in our minds where we can store such questions about our personality structure or actions so as to observe objectively for ourselves if they are true. If they are not, then we simply continue on in the way we were.

We need not feel hurt, angry, defend ourselves, prove ourselves, or attack. When we feel inner security and self-worth, we do not need to react in these ways.

3. We can simply thank the other for this feedback and tell him or her that we will think about this observation and will gradually come to our conclusions, and if necessary, make changes.

We do not need to live our lives in accordance with others’ perceptions. We can listen to all, but follow ourselves.

Note:

A “thank you” is enough.

(Adapted from the “The Psychology of Happiness” by Robert Najemy)

Have you ever been involved in a situation with an angry person when you felt defeated? Either you escalated to their level of aggression or you allowed yourself to get lambasted and felt battered in the end? There are some easy techniques to work with an angry person to take their level of volatility down to a manageable level so you can intellectually process the problem with them.

Attempting to reason with those who use anger to intimidate, control, get attention, avoid responsibility, or pump themselves up will generally further add to the aggression or at the very least, be ineffective. Your first order of business is to de-escalate the level of anger.

Often in our work environment, we are confronted with angry people, co-workers, those we supervise, customers, supervisors and stakeholders. In the majority of the situations, it is to your benefit to reduce the level of anger in the other person.

Before intervening, do a quick assessment to see if you are in the proper frame of mind for an intervention. This generally means can you view this person as someone who is doing the best he or she can to gethis or her needs met at that point in time? Are you of the mind frame that you will not be reduced to his or her level of anger should you intervene? Can you allow that even if you do everything correctly, people may still maintain their anger because it is what works best for them without feeling as if you failed? If the answer to these questions is yes, then proceed.

De-Escalation Techniques

1. Simple Listening: Sometimes all that is needed is to allow the angry person to vent all their anger and frustration to someone who is actually attentive to what they are saying. Do not attempt to say anything. Just listen attentively, nod your head and sometimes give encouragers, such as “Uh huh,” “Go on,” or “Yes. . .” When a person is attempting to get attention with their anger, sometimes all you need to do is to listen until their anger is spent. At that point you may ask a simple question such as, “How can I help you?”

2. Active Listening: Active listening is the process of really attempting to hear, acknowledge and understand what a person is saying. It is a genuine attempt to put yourself in the other person’s situation as best you can. Active listening means you are attending not only to the words the other person is saying but also the underlying emotion, as well as, the accompanying body language.

3. Acknowledgement: Acknowledgement occurs when you can legitimately understand the person’s angry emotion. You could then honestly respond with, “Wow, I can see how something like that could cause some anger!” You might say, “Man, if that happened to me, I might be angry, too.” The tone of your voice is critical in this circumstance. You don’t want to use an excitable tone, as it could further incite the angry behavior–rather use a calming and respectful tone of voice designed to help the other person let go of their angry emotion.

It confirms the legitimacy of the emotion, but not the behavior. You want the angry person to realize that being angry isn’t the problem, the problem is the way he or she is choosing to act out those angry feelings.

4. Apologizing: Apologizing is the fourth of the de-escalation skills. I’m not talking about apologizing for an imaginary wrong. I am talking about sincerely apologizing for anything in the situation that you believe was unjust. It’s simply a statement acknowledging that something occurred that wasn’t right.

I am not asking you to take responsibility for something that wasn’t your fault. For example, if you can’t find anything for which to apologize, you can always say, “I’m so sorry you having such an awful day” or “I’m sorry the situation has you so frustrated.” You can apologize without taking on the blame.

5. Agreeing: Often when people are angry about something, there is at least 2 % truth in what they are saying. When attempting to diffuse someone’s anger, it is important to listen for that 2 % of truth and agree with it. When you agree with the 2% of truth in the angry person’s tirade, you take away the resistance and consequently eliminate the fuel for the fire.

6. Inviting Criticism: Inviting criticism is the final of the de-escalation skills. In this instance you would simply ask the angry person to voice his or her criticism of yourself or the situation more fully. You might say something like, “Go ahead. Tell me everything that has you upset. Don’t hold anything back. I want to hear all you have to say.”

This invitation will sometimes temporarily intensify the angry emotion but if you continue to encourage the person to vent their anger and frustrations, eventually, they will run out of complaints. Just let them vent until their anger is spent. In essence, this is a combination of inviting criticism and simple listening.

You have been presented with six powerful and effective techniques of de-escalation. However, there may be a rare occasion when you are unsuccessful in your attempts to decrease a person’s anger. Your safety should be the primary concern. Don’t get between the angry person and his or her only means of escape and similarly, don’t allow the angry person to block your only means of escape.

Always have a plan or an established way to get help if needed and remember to stay calm. An angry person is generally someone capable of getting out of control. When an out of control person senses they are intimidating and scaring others, it can increase their sense of power and control, resulting in an escalation of the situation. You must stay calm at all times and recognize when it is important to seek assistance.

How do you find the balance between your own independent life and being in a relationship? For some women this is about facing your worst fear that you will somehow lose yourself along the way. You can find out how to make sure that you don’t give up on yourself whilst being in a relationship. Five surefire ways of keeping you independent and happy whilst dating and finding a relationship that is the right balance for you.

Women wanting a relationship

At least 50% of the women over 40 whom I coach say at some point, rather defensively, “I want to do this coaching work with you but I don’t really know whether I want to be in a relationship”. They are defensive because they think that everyone is expected to want to be with a partner. That is how the world appears, especially when we are single. Interestingly this is not the whole of the story. When I dig a little deeper what usually comes up is that for many women their worst fear is that they don’t want to lose their independence. You have all worked hard to gain your independent place, especially those in their 40s, 50s & 60s. This of course is not only in relationships but also in the world of work. For many women when they have got used to being single they are, on many levels, very happy with their lives. “I like being able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, without having to ask anyone else’s permission.” said Emily a divorced women in her 50s. “I spent so many years being at the beck and call not only of my husband but also my children, they are grown up and it is now time for me”. We can all sympathise with her.

Women want independence & relationships

In fact, many women come to me to find out is whether they can find the kind of relationship that they want whilst still retaining their independence. Like everything in life it is about balance. Relationship coaching does not mean that we don’t look at the whole picture of your life. No relationship will work if you are not in balance with yourself. Now you may have got very used to ‘doing your own thing’ but there remains a niggling doubt. That little voice is saying “Why can’t I have all this and have a relationship too”. Well the answer is that it is possible and I help women achieve that. It is especially important that you first become clear about what you want to retain about your independence and what you are looking for in a relationship.

What must be in place for a relationship to work?

What you must become clear about is what elements of your independent life you want to retain. Think about what are the ‘must haves’. These may be things like time, certain kinds of space and a certain amount of time to spend with friends and family. You get the idea. Once you are completely clear what these are you start to have a blueprint for the life you want to have with someone else. Equally make a list of what it is that you want from the relationship. Remember these days there are all kinds of relationship arrangements – they are not all live-in married partnerships.

How to keep your relationship boundaries intact

What is most important is that you are conscious about your boundaries in a relationship. Getting the balance right can be difficult, but if you have articulated for yourself your own ‘must haves’ you will be in a much stronger place. This might sound very contrived but think about it. When you go out to buy some new piece of kitchen equipment you will have spent some time thinking about what functions you want it to have. There are100s of different kinds of washing machine out there but if you have your ‘must haves’ clearly listed then it is going to make the process much easier. I know this sounds like finding a relationship is like going shopping. Well it is in a way, and don’t we all love shopping? Remember this is about you being The Chooser, that is one of the ways that you retain your independence and don’t get swept away in the moment.

1. Make your ‘must haves’ list for your independent life
2. Make a list of your requirements in a partner
3. Remain The Chooser when dating and finding a relationship
4. Stick to your lists – share them with a friend and get them to remind you if you start to slip
5. Learn to say ‘no’ early in the relationship if things don’t fit – they won’t change just because you hope they will!