Central to understanding persuasion is the concept of neutrality. The laws of persuasion are neither good nor evil. They simply exist. Just as nuclear power can be used to create electricity or an atomic bomb, persuasion can be used to create unity or to force compliance. Whether the outcome is good or bad depends on the person using the laws and how that person applies the techniques of persuasion.

Some people desire to win at any cost, using any available tactics including misusing the laws of persuasion. These individuals are willing to use guilt, violence, intimidation, temptation, bribery, and blackmail to get the desired result.

However, when used properly, persuasion is our best friend. Through persuasion we create peace agreements, promote fund-raising efforts, and convince motorists to buckle up. Persuasion is the means by which the coach of an underdog team inspires players to win. It is also the method employed by the Surgeon General to convince people to have regular mammograms and prostate examinations, by managers to increase employee performance and morale, and by hostage negotiators to convince criminals to free their captives.

Misuse of the laws will only come back to haunt you in the long run. You might get short-term instant results, but your long-term future will be bleak. The tools outlined in this book are powerful and are not to be used selfishly. They should not be considered a means of gaining a desired result at any cost. Rather, you should use these tools to get your desired outcome only when it is a win-win situation for all involved.

The fable of the sun and the wind provides an excellent example of properly implemented persuasion. The sun and the wind were always arguing about which of them was the strongest. The wind believed he was stronger because of his destructive power in tornados and hurricanes. He wanted the sun to admit he was stronger, but the sun held fast to his own opinion and could not be convinced. One day the sun decided he wanted the matter settled once and for all, so he invited the wind to compete with him in a contest. The sun chose the contest carefully. He pointed out an old man taking a walk, and challenged the wind to use his power to blow the man’s jacket off. The wind felt this would be an easy contest to win and began to blow. To his surprise, each gust of wind only made the man cling more tightly to his jacket. The wind blew harder, and the man held on tighter. The harder the wind blew, the more the man resisted. The powerful blows of wind even knocked the man down, but he would not let go of his jacket. Finally, the wind gave up and challenged the sun to succeed in getting the man to take off his jacket. The sun smiled and shone radiantly upon the man. The man felt the warmth of the sun, and sweat began to appear on his forehead. The sun continued pouring out warmth and sunshine upon the man and, at last, the man took off his jacket. The sun had won the contest. If your attempt to persuade is a win-win, others will be eager to do what you want them to do.

If you are on a path of purposeful personal growth, you will have to learn how to forgive yourself to see progress.

Now, before you start balking at the idea, let me give you an example.

Remember when you learned to ride a bicycle? I’m pretty sure you didn’t just hop on and ride away into the sunset. Instead, you fell off, probably several times until you learned how to balance and push the pedals at the same time. Once you mastered balance, you may have had to perfect your steering so you could turn corners or turn around without crashing.

Granted, most people would not consider forgiveness a requirement for learning how to ride a bicycle, but it is there, nonetheless. What would have happened if the first time you fell of the bicycle, you labeled yourself “an uncoordinated loser” and never tried again? Ridiculous, I know. But, you didn’t do that, and the reason is you forgave yourself the mistake and got back up and tried again.

It seems to be more of a given when learning a new skill that we’re not going to get it right the first time. We know we will make mistakes. So, why are we so much more willing to forgive our mistakes in learning new skills like bike riding, than in learning a new skill in creating and living a happy life?

Most of us are much harder on ourselves than we are on others, and we tend to hold grudges with ourselves for much longer, as well. But how are you supposed to learn if you don’t allow yourself the room to make mistakes along the way? If you forgive yourself for not being perfect from the start, for not getting it right the first time, you allow yourself to try again and make progress. If you don’t forgive yourself the mistakes you make along the way, you stunt your growth and remain stuck where you are.

Everyone makes mistakes. We’re human. It happens. Holding yourself and your growth hostage by not forgiving yourself your mistakes serves no useful purpose. You certainly don’t benefit, and neither does anyone else. So if you want growth, learn to forgive yourself.

Forgiveness is difficult for many people because, too often, we think to forgive is also to condone, to say, “Oh, that’s ok.” We put up barriers to forgiving others because of this notion. Many times, in fact, most times what needs to be forgiven is NOT ok. It was not ok to have happened, it is not ok to do again — it’s just simply NOT ok. So, unless the offender asks for forgiveness with sincerity and remorse (and sometimes even when they do,) we often find it difficult to forgive.

If you look up the word ‘forgive’ in the dictionary, one of the definitions you’ll find is: to cease to feel resentment against. Forgiving, ceasing to feel resentment against, someone or something benefits who? You. Forgiving benefits YOU.

Forgiving, ceasing to feel resentment against,that’s all about you, not them. Granted, they might also benefit if you no longer feel resentment toward them, but the change occurs within YOU when you forgive another, not the reverse. The decision to forgive is yours. The act of forgiving is an act YOU undertake, and the feelings changing as a result are yours, as well.

For a very long time, I was unwilling to forgive certain people in my life. I held close the feelings of anger and resentment over how they had betrayed me and wore them like a protective shield. I vowed no one would EVER hurt me like that again. Over time, my protective shield began to prevent me from connecting with new people, new friendships and extending my friendship to others. Ultimately, who did this hurt? Me. I had unknowingly allowed my unwillingness to forgive to control and shape my life – and not in a positive way, I might add.

Today I look at forgiveness as a way to set down the emotional baggage of past hurts and walk away stronger than before. If you think about it – how can you receive the blessings of today if your hands are holding tightly to resentments of yesterday? You can’t go back and change what happened or force the offender to make amends, but you CAN decide to live a happy life.

The person I’m forgiving may or may not even know of my forgiveness – that is not the point. I am the one miserable with my negative feelings and emotions – not them. They may or may not even know I’m harboring resentments. Meanwhile, I’m seething and miserable. By forgiving, I set myself free.

If the whole idea of forgiving feels beyond you at the moment, either because you are still too angry and upset (and likely wanting your pound of flesh) or because forgiving still feels to you like you’re saying, “Oh, it’s ok…” then try replacing the word ‘forgive’ with the words ‘cease to feel resentment against’ and see if that makes a difference for you. “I cease to feel resentment against you for what you did,” might be a more empowering way for you to say, “I forgive you for what you did.”